So yesterday was a true test of being the bigger person.
Let The Games Begin
Our court date finally arrived for the process of removing my ex-husband’s rights. Well, thinking that we would be in the clear and in and out of court. I was wrong. He actually showed up. I am really not sure as to why, but he did. It drove all of us up the wall. He really just wants to believe that I am the worst person in the world and I am doing this just to take his rights away.
For anyone that knows me or follows me on any of my social media or here, knows that I would not do that just to be a jerk to him. He hurt me in ways that truly are unforgivable.
As forgiveness is not something for the person that has wronged you. It is for you to be able to move on and be happy and mentally healthy. For that simple rule, I have forgiven him. I have forgiven the pain that he has put me through.
This is being done for the boy’s best interest. Because they do not know how to forgive in the same manner. Learning that took me well into my late twenties and into my early thirties. I still have days and moments that I forget how to do it. So I really can’t blame them for not being able to as a twelve and a fourteen-year-old.
Understanding Is Everything
The boys know that we are not doing this to take their father from them. It’s simply to make sure we have the safety and security we need to be able to help them get back on the right course and where they need to be. This has been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with myself.
And that is saying so much seeing as all three kids are special needs in one form or another. Honestly, I am even learning about things that I haven’t known about. Having to deal with it first hand is one of the reasons I have always been an advocate for anyone that has gone through any type of abuse. It can take years for the events to finally come to light.
The Truth
And when they do, it can be terrifying, especially if that person feels like they are alone in it. (And no political crap on this, please. We all know there are exceptions to every story) But given the hell that these boys have gone through for all of this time, I am very proud of both of them. E for not having an episode, and J for not speaking his peace when he kind of should have.
If I got dirty looks from someone that is supposed to love me, yeah, I would be mad as hell too. Not to mention the fact that the minute my ex-husband walked out of the courtroom, he started speaking very ill of me and claiming that I am doing this just to mess with him. Sorry, not sorry. This is not being done to mess with you, this is being done because my boys need and deserve much better.
They are allowed to work out what happened the way they need to without people shutting them down and telling them “the past is the past and that’s where you should leave it.”
Don’t Be Slimy
**For those of you that may be stalking my blog to see what you can run back to my ex with, go for it, there is not one single thing in this post that I have not said to him myself**
Now for those who truly do know what I have been through with my ex, you know that it has been very hard to watch my mouth and learn when to walk away.
Last night was a first. I really did want to just rip his head off for putting the boys and myself through more stress and time-consuming events that we shouldn’t have to. But instead, I decided I wanted to do something super drastic.
Time For A Change
Get my frustrations out and have a symbolic rebirth. I dyed my hair! Mind you it didn’t come out how I fully wanted it, but it still came out great. It also gave me a chance to breathe and to refocus.
Step one, which was super scary for me, the prep. I still had time to back out, but honestly didn’t really want to. I knew that if it didn’t turn out how I wanted it to, I could always redye it a different color. I went all in. Next step was to bleach my hair(huge mistake, forgot how much that burns my scalp)
I loved the color, but I wasn’t done yet! I dried my hair out super bad doing the bleach. But given how many other times I’ve done it, I knew just how to save it. So after taking a timeout to deep condition, I moved on to step three, color!
So the story behind the color is I made the mistake of telling M and another friend D I wanted to do something crazy. So this was the color they picked out for me. No matter what I wanted, I still think that the color came out amazing! To me, I would rather color my hair a million different colors as an outlet for my emotions instead of acting on them the ways I did in the past.