Tonight I one of those nights that seriously brings me to tears.
Special Needs What…
Often times, I forget that I am a special needs mama until we have meltdowns. Thankfully tonight it was at home, but we still had company. Having lil J have such a bad meltdown over what seems to be the simplest stuff gets really frustrating.
Because at that point, it is normally more than just lil J melting down. It is because E or big J were pickin on him, or he doesn’t feel well and can’t express what is going on. And then the added piece of, E & J not wanting to leave the room because they want to make sure that lil J is getting punished for acting out as well.
Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind
Tonight though, I seriously got to my breaking point. Not only am I a boy mom, I am also a special needs mom and I tend to forget that until we see a meltdown. And trying to explain to anyone that to me, my boys are not special, this is simply just our norm tends to confuse them and frustrate me.
Because again, people just don’t get it. Lil J’s father is still struggles at times. I can’t have a normal life, and make plans I am able to keep, because day to day, minute to minute, I have no idea what is going to happen next. A lot of people tell me that I should be selfish and take time for myself. Go out to dinner, see a movie, something. But it is not that easy for me.
For me, my boys, no matter who is in my house or willing to help, are my responsibility and I don’t pawn them off on others. I won’t be that mom. I want to be there and help my boys through every day struggles, and through long term goals. Not many people (ie: my ex-husband) have the patience or the knowledge to handle what my norm is with these boys.
Exhausting
Do I get tired? Oh lord I do. Do I miss being able to do things for myself like do my nails or soak in the bath? Well duh, who wouldn’t. Do I miss having no responsibilities? At times I do. But it is only because my mind needs a break.
People don’t always understand. Even people that work closely with special needs do not fully understand. My own family acts as if I am just making up the things about the boys. It honestly drives me nuts! It adds to the already stressful life that has been given to me and makes me feel worse than ever even trying to stay in touch with most of them.
Final Thought
Last note before I crash, please please please, be a good human being. It is so much simpler to ask if someone needs help instead of glaring at them with disapproving eyes. I know how it feels to be the one feeling the disapproving look, simply because I tried to take control of the situation because of a meltdown.